.little daylight.

12.november.2009

2009-11-12T18:23:00.000-08:00

We've started going to the Salvation Army on Thursday mornings to help with serving breakfast to men & women living on the street here in San Jose. Other than the hysterical laughter at seeing one another's "really early morning" faces, we keep being given the blessing of some fantastic connections. We've been talking about the kingdom of God this week, my group mostly in Matthew 13, and so today we were praying a ton for the seeds of God's kingdom in their minds & hearts to take root & explode/expand in their lives. Would you mind lifting up Rosaura (name changed) today? There was something like a special timing about her, though we didn't talk more than for me to write down her name, but a tenderness to her, so please lift her up with me today, that the seeds that have been carefully, lovingly placed in her heart expand tonight, clearing her eyes a bit more tonight to the nearness of him. Thanks! I'm off to sweep the common areas.

7.november.2009

2009-11-07T14:01:00.000-08:00

We were told several weeks ago in the school that the greatest gift we could bring of transformation to any community is our life transformed. From this, people will be able to see a clearer picture of how God longs to transform their lives... ...this process of transformation is harder than I could expect. so so worth it, but i have to cling to his promises, that this time of transformation of our hearts is as he desires, to be able to hear him more deeply, be in his presence more completely, teaching us to love him more wholly...

Honestly, it's funny how tightly we cling to our understandings of the world. Even when confronted with truth in the Bible, even if we agree with the idea of the truth, it's hard to let go of the lies i fill my heart with! "But God!" we say "that wasn't how i experienced it at the time!" I keep saying "God, this is the reality I lived, and what you have to say says that it's different!" What I've been learning is so much that the actual enemy that hates our souls & hates every way of our being close to God will take any opportunity to lie to us. Sweet, seductive lies that feel phenomenal! and sound so close to the truth that we can't figure it out on our own.

God's been dealing with alot of lies I've allowed in unintentionally, even when I think I believe the truth! On one level I know & believe the truth, and yet deeper in my heart, my self clings tightly to the lie, holding on for all it's worth, though it's poisoning my heart... And God is so kind to me, telling me over and over again "honey, you cannot fix this issue. you must spend time with me and I will destroy the lie that is strangling you! I want to heal you!" This has been the toughest thing for me, to believe that God wants to heal my broken, smelly heart... I keep believing the lie "God has already done so much for you, and you still are a failure, how embarassing for you! You must feel so ashamed!"

I hear the truth, and I think "ok, all I have to do is say I believe this truth, and that will take care of my broken way of living." And then I explode. Again, and again. And when i don't explode, I implode. And I think "God, I'm spending so much time with you, I'm trying so hard, why is it still not working?!!" And so much of the time he says "shh. shh. tranquila. in the right time. keep staying with me. let me teach you in so many ways that I love you."

So praise you God. You keep bringing me to places where I have to face myself...

24.september.2009

2009-09-24T15:23:00.000-07:00

tonight´s gonna be a good good night! no, really, God is grand. full of surprises, and constantly sharing his goodness, whispering into my mind "tranquila. i love you. i´m with you. i know this is going on, and i see you. tranquila" so he fills my life with good good life.

i´m safely in costa rica, staying once more at the ywam base in san josé. it was a bit of an adventure to get here in the first place, egged on by the base just having moved clear across town in the last week, so all of the phone & internet systems have been a bit off, so had some trouble on communicating my arrival dates, so after a few hours waiting for a ride, God blessed me with a nice taxi driver who knew of a safe hotel with internet near the airport, so i spent a good night there, hoping that people would be able to receive my email telling them of my current predicament, and one of the guys from the base was able to pick me up early this morning on an airport run to pick up one of the other girls from the Community Development school, and we arrived on-base around 9:30. God´s full of kindness!!

the new base is a chaotic, ecclectic, wonderful place full of potential. i´m writing at an internet café, so i won´t get much into the details, but i have a place to lay my head, and great people to spend my time with. blessings come in giant packages. thanks God! i´ll write more. but thanks all for praying. it was such a blessing to see so many of you during the 3 weeks home. i´ll write again soon. much love!

19.september.2009

2009-09-19T00:09:00.000-07:00

Please pray for the gathering at my house this afternoon. For good time together, for clarity of thought for me, for my ability at sharing. More than anything for our Papa to feel content to sit with us awhile, that it be a time to bring him glory and not simply to be a lovely picnic on a Saturday afternoon. Again, if you can come, do. 1pm at my house in La Mesa. And if you do come, please bring a beach chair, I realized today that this was another gap in my planning :). If you don't come with chair, not to worry, we'll find something, even if that something has you sitting contentedly on a blanket, in the sunshine, holding some fizzy pomegranate drink.

18.september.2008

2009-09-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

So... this might have been one of my favorite moments. Two of the little girls in the bunch are Tulio & Norelia's daughters, so we've known one another for 9-ish months from being at the YWAM base together, so when we had a chance to visit their home village for a change, it was grand to see them include us so readily into game time. The girls had shown me their game of jumping up and flinging yourself down on the ground again. My limbs being oh so much longer than theirs, that my feet kept quite in motion after they had landed & fallen into a fit of giggles at my clumsiness.

18.september.2008 and a couple pictures to share

2009-09-18T23:32:00.000-07:00

Before the gathering tomorrow, I wanted to make sure to share a few pictures of what I talked about in the last post. This first picture is in the village of Los Saltos in the Darien province. This is the seat of political power within the Embera people group of Panama. Most elected chiefs over the whole people group set up office here and retire here after their 5 year service. We spent a week traveling around to various villages in the Darien Province with Tulio Rosales as our guide (a passionate guy who is part of YWAM and longing to inject in his people group a sense of how God truly impacts and transforms not only individuals but a whole community). It was during this trip, and a handful of other communities that I was able to visit over the summer that I sensed God moving me to notice what a difference a change in worldview and expectations of that world can make in a community for health and life and vitality, or towards lethargy or fruitless striving.

The girls in the picture were some that would hang around our thatch-roof platform hut and giggle at our strange behavior and habits. The hut in the background was one that - in the name of progress- chose to add corrugated metal sides to the house which only made the heat a million times MORE unbearable. Tulio would shake his head so many times during our travels and say something like "if only my people would understand the value of the traditional ways of life, and seek to bring changes that would enhance their lives, not simply do their best to mimic the [majority group]." He taught me and all of us so much in regard to what God can do in a community if only we would apply what we know of his plans and purposes in the Bible. And he'd tease us to embrace our inner warrior as he'd let out a traditional Embera warrior cry, telling us that from so many generations removed from our warrior ancestors, we all needed guides who are closer to their roots. Thanks Tulio.

This next picture is one of a set of traditional houses in Tulio's village of Errebache. I think you'd like to see the website the photogenX team worked so hard on with Tulio to share his village with, well, everyone. So check this out.

10.September.2009

2009-09-11T01:49:00.000-07:00

so this was initially an email to send out to people, but knowing myself, i thought it would be best if i included it here too, to try and actually just get it out :) so many posts and emails get stuck in dusty corners of my mind. if you can come, please do!

So here goes the letter...

It’s late afternoon. The rain taps heavily against our thatch roof. Fifteen feet above ground, our round covered platform keeps us dry in the hours-long rain. Geckos chirp from the wooden beams. The heavy tropical heat has been lifted for a bit as the wind whips rain into our open-air house. We sit here on our sleeping mats, preparing our talk for the village gathering this evening, absent-mindedly slapping at mosquitos amidst the giggle of half a dozen children sitting at the top of the ladder, waiting to see what we’ll do next. I translate another question…

I’ve had the priviledge in the 3 months since the end of my Discipleship Training School with Youth With A Mission Panama to be a translator for YWAM, assist in marketing and all-around support for an international arts & cultural festival called Una Voz (one voice) (http://www.unavoz.net) held on July 18, and working alongside a photography Discipleship Training School from A Voice for the Voiceless (a human justice focused branch within YWAM) whose heart is to utilize their photography as a means to advocate for those who are suffering injustice, such as human trafficking, sexual slavery, child prostitution & pornography. For 2 months I had the priviledge of working alongside this group as they shared a passion for speaking up for those who are silenced, many times speaking to groups who dealt with heavy struggles facing silencing of their own. We were approached by so many people inspired to share their own stories and their desire to find ways to reach out to those outside of their sphere, discovering strength in the power of God to transform lives.

It’s been a busy summer! Something God has been growing in my mind and on my heart has been the need to learn more about community development. Something’s brewing on his mind about where he’d like me to serve him, and all I can see are the many people and circumstances he has brought up in the last 4 months highlighting his next moves. I graduated from San Diego State University with loads of details of development of children & families (my major) and have had so many questions in my mind as to how to walk with him with my field of study, and at times during my Discipleship Training School with Youth With a Mission this past spring wondered if maybe I had misheard God when choosing my major in college. He laughed, shaking his head slightly, “No, you ridiculous girl, I’ve been guiding you all along through a preparation pathway you could never anticipate. Just wait for it, I’ll let you know. Keep seeking me.” He would say this over and over.

Finally, he confirmed his upcoming plans for my walk with him. I will continue with Youth With A Mission, but this time I will be going to the San José, Costa Rica YWAM base, going through a school called Foundations of Community Development. After a little over 3 weeks in San Diego, I’ll be flying out September 23 to begin 6 months of training both in lecture and field practice, learning to meld my training in child & family development with the broader focus of the community, and the need to disciple a community and walk with them in applying biblical principles before any changes of expression of foundational worldview become lasting in a community.

Please pray with me that God would raise friends who will commit to long-term prayer and financial support, that I can raise the funds needed for the school while I am still in San Diego, and that I may be able to sell my car for a fair price.

I’d love to share more with you and hear about your lives as well. Those of you who are available, I will be hosting a get-together at my mom’s house on Saturday, September 19 at 1:00pm to share some more about what’s been going on and where I’m headed off to. Please let me know if you are able to come.

The details:

Saturday, September 19, 2009
1:00pm
La Mesa, CA
RSVP: 619.414.0582
If you are able to come, please bring a small side to share. I will be providing drinks and entertainment.

If you are not able to come, please pray for our time together, and be well. And send me an email or facebook message, I’d love to hear from you.

15.July.2009

2009-07-15T00:53:00.000-07:00

forever since my last post, but i wanted to share a bit of the story of how dts went. chris collins put together this video to talk about our outreach, 2 months reaching out to people in panama, southern mexico & costa rica.

what do you think?

27.march.2009

2009-03-27T02:42:00.000-07:00

we forget sometimes how surprisingly compelling a game of jump rope can be in the middle of a crowded street. people stop & stare. people start talking. people start asking you to share what you're all about. and it's all good.

18.march.2008`

2009-03-18T02:49:00.000-07:00

What is 800? 800 people for 6 days. Filling 800 bowls with 3 meals a day. Washing said bowls, cups, forks, knives spoons, pailas, 3x a day. skin peeling from all the detergent. bathroom clean-up for 800 youth. Welcoming committee waking at 3am to start welcoming with full band, horns, drums, fog horns red devil buses filled with youth from around Panama. Starting at 3 am, continuing on for every last bus from 3am to 5pm. Waiting in line for the showers behind 40 girls wanting to impress and be impressed.

But yet, bonding & gelling as a group more than ever before. Shared belly-laughs over yet another container filled with people's forgotten plates once you thought you couldn't wash one more thing. Crashing into your tent way too early, too zonked to play one more camp game. Moments of quietly walking off to the river while the campers are in yet another 4 hour conference in the early afternoon. Stories shared over the giant vats of cooking rice. Learning how to prepare Ohaldras for a billion people, or so it seems, at 4:30am. Learning, through yet another example, of how to live life in community, well.

Priceless.

05.february.2009

2009-02-05T02:27:00.000-08:00

just a thought, i'd love to share a bit about who i share my days with. these are my dts classmates. friendly bunch, no?

24.january.2009

2009-01-25T19:34:00.000-08:00

Week One
JUCUM Panama DTS

It's beautiful here. Beautiful, noisy and busy. The trucks and buses rumble past on the roadway below, insects chirping melodies all throughout the day and night. We have a hot and sticky sun, with moments of fresh breath when we've had a bit of rain. We line up, bleary-eyed in the mornings for breakfast, line up to wash our dishes in the tubs lined up in the dining hall, run to our rooms for half-hour devotions, quick prep for our days, run to group activity, be it base worship, or intercession, or recreation. Ten minute transitions before 3+ hour class, line up for lunch again at the lunch triangle bell, head to group again for small group or drama practice or recreation (mandatory team sports) then a quick return to base to begin our daily chores. Two hours later the dinner triangle bell calls us back to the dining area to line up again. For all but the dinner clean-up crew it's free time then, with showers and reading and late-night games of Mao, though I think the group might be getting ready to branch out into other card games fairly soon! 7-up anyone?

We'll get into more meaty, interesting stuff soon, i'm sure. But for now, here's a framework for our days and weeks. Happy January everyone!

27.1.2009

2009-01-18T18:36:00.000-08:00

sticky nighttime, millions of crickets in the dark. flickering lights on the porch above my computer. the smell of insect repellent all over my skin. bites still covering much of me. new home. i wonder what God has planned for this time? i thought i had come with very little expectation, lots of expectancy. i'm finding that i may have created quite a number of wispy castles in my imagination about this time. mostly aware of those expectations as i meet up with slightly-off reality to compare them to. beautiful moments. lots of community life. lots of asking for patience and forgiveness. is this really the context in which we were told to love one another? to let on about our grounding through how we treat one another and intentionally think towards & about one another? maybe i'll add a post first after a good night sleep & cold shower. maybe i need to post right in the midst of all the moments. transparency...

28.11.08

2008-11-28T17:53:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was fabulous.
thursday morning i woke up with the biggest craving for acorn squash. so, since we had planned on a really low-key, low-stress ready-made sort of a day, i needed to go over to the store for these surprisingly delicious vegetables. walking around the produce section, all sorts of harvest-ey sort of plants drew me in. i walked home with yams, heritage tomatoes, bell peppers, and what i thought was a sweet potato but turned out to a rutabaga (it most definitely turns out i am not
a farm girl). wanting to do something a little more exciting with my veggies, i found this delicious recipe, and tweaked it to what we had on hand.
the acorn squash i baked alone, cut lengthwise, scooping out the seeds, placed on a pan face down with a bit of water covering the bottom of the pan. 350F for about 50 minutes (absolutely delicious just adding a little bit of salt to the cooked product).
the soup though. the soup was the grandest part of the meal. the only veggies i had on hand for this project were a pair of yams, that rutabaga, most of a large onion, and a couple of carrots. i wasn't sure what it meant to "sweat" vegetables, so i simmered them for around 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. once i had all the ingredients in, i had just finished the fried green tomatoes (unconventional for thanksgiving, i know, but those tasty heritage tomatoes just begged for it), and had the remains of the milk dip left over, so probably what ammounted to an egg and maybe 50-100ml of milk, which i added to the soup, this gave it a really nice texture, along with the oats (which I'd never put into a soup before.) the only other major variation from the recipe was that I needed to let it simmer for a really long time until we were all around and ready for dinner (maybe a couple hours).
the best part of the afternoon? i don't cook very often, and i was having such fun that the time just slipped by so comfortably.
plus, it was raining outside, and the last 4 days have been the first rains we've had in san diego. hopefully we'll go walking around mission trails tomorrow, the wildflowers will be amazing!

23.11.2008

2008-11-23T23:17:00.000-08:00

.clean sweep.

So, my plans for a gigantic garage sale are going well, except for one problem... I'm having trouble getting rid of things! I throw myself full-on into the project, but at the end of a time, I see that the keep pile and the "to go" pile continue to end up about even. This is still harder than I thought.

One redeeming factor though, I have absolutely amazing friends. I shared with the girls last night my dilemma, and they popped right out with huge offers of help. Their eyes gleaming a bit in the light, they started spouting out ways to help in the cause. Before I knew it, we had set up the plan for an enormous sifting of my belongings, a la "clean sweep".

It will be hard and grand to have the girls come over and go through in a pragmatic sort of a way "this is ridiculous, you need to get rid of it", to things that I have attached myself to that simply drag me into chaos. I'm finding this tough already! How much more so when they grab my beloved (insert useless piece of crap here, that I probably already have at least 2 of!), and question me about it. Up to this point, I've been doing what's simply natural - getting rid of things I no longer want or like. And getting rid of some things that fall into neither category, I simply don't need them. But really, none of it has been any sort of sacrifice. No weighing of things in light of the necessary question "is this item holding me back from fulfilling my promise to be light enough possessions-wise for Him to pluck me out of one way into another?" I may not end up with only what I could carry with me on an airplane, but I trust I'll be a whole lot closer to that than my current ability to fit myself into an enormous extra large u-haul.

Silly, I know, but I was really inspired the other night, when I thought of the character Rose Tyler from Dr. Who (yes, i quickly fall into geekdom). Had she clung to loads of nothings, what sort of adventures could she really have thrown herself into? Where I'm at now, had I been in her shoes, my call would be "ok, hold on a bit, i've got to sort some things out first", and off would the opportunity slip from my reach. So, on with the sweep!

On a side note, if you're near San Diego around the second weekend in January, come by the incredible garage sale. If weather agrees, we could share delicious lemonade in the sun, though being mostly san diegans, we'd probably be wearing warm fuzzy sweatshirts and cozy boots as the temp might go below 19C!

21.11.2008

2008-11-21T01:17:00.000-08:00

my church is closing down in less than a month. i didn't expect to be this broken-up about it, the ten or so of us sat around on couches, lost. a little kid screamed a giddy scream as he leapt into the community pool outside our door. and yet alan had a great bit to say about it. none of it has been what we've planned, six years of pouring ourselves into the community, into so many people, most who had been far out on the sidelines from church, feeling outcast for years. But God is good. He chose to reach into so many people's lives through this church, and He chose to say that this movement had reached it's close, and chooses for all of us to walk with him in a different direction. God walk with us all.

still dazed, jon foreman played his spring ep on the speaker filling the air...

and one we played as a reminder. something to awaken our next steps...

.once.

2008-11-12T22:35:00.000-08:00

so i've just seen the most lovely movie...
...absolutely right, every step in the movie.

9.11.2008

2008-11-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

i've pulled out my suitcase again. how exciting! granted, there are as yet 70 days (give or take) 'til i actually step onto a rickety tin can suspended over the water, but of course i'm not counting yet. eek! it was a strong whisper in my mind five months ago, but confirmed officially just a handful of weeks ago. i'm headed to Panama for a YWAM (youth with a mission) discipleship training school. hooray! not at all what i expected to hear all those months of desperately asking and whispering and shouting and drawing and walking and wondering about in the prayer room. ">

but then, i'm so glad that most of what i expect to happen just...doesn't. so... what has he been telling me anyway? a. go to the dts. b. don't make any plans yet for anything after. c. don't even try to guess what God will be telling me next. d. he WILL be telling me what's next exactly after the last minute, but just before i really need to know. e. be praying for the leaders of the dts. f. keep prepping my heart for it through reading the bible. g. get rid of most of my things in order to be ready to just be picked up and taken where i need to be next. h. trust. trust. trust. TRUST him & his process within me and keep listening. and of course i. it's absolutely, most definitely worth it.

so... what am i doing at this point? well, there's definitely a little bit of freaking out going on, much of it surprising me in random anxious dreams recently, (i mean, seriously, how frightening is it really to loose track of one of the teens in my care for a little while, they'll be fine, really!) (but then, say that to this panicked, wild eyed, wild haired gasped breath wake-up in the middle of the night. it doesn't seem so able to rationalize then) (which, then sent me into praying: ok, so, something's up. this isn't normal, but help me to first dig deeply enough into self to find out what this is about, and then to let it go and trust.) so alot of this panic has melted almost completely as i again actively take steps and make choices to keep following the instructions i've already received, after several weeks of ignoring them and just distracting myself into hand-wringing despair.

so... back to what am i doing at this point? building up to one of the grandest garage sales west of the mississippi :), (or something!), working for two more months with the Special Needs Unit of the YMCA (now how is that for unexpected, working for a little over a year with the ymca to be told to walk toward ywam), learning how to draw! (yay! this has been a fun adventure), spending time with dear dear friends, and wondering about what's to come.

my plan is to keep this blog up quite a bit more regularly than the last year (which, good for me, really won't be a hard task, as my competing record is 4 posts within an entire year!), no, but seriously, i'd like to keep all my dear ones, and all those just curious more aware of all the happenings and musings and ridiculous bits along the way.

happy november!

another couple of websites that i've just run across:

5.11.08

2008-11-05T00:28:00.000-08:00

.algae.

i have a little journal that bullied me for months to just try and come up with an entry good enough to ink-up the beautiful handmade pages. i carried it everywhere with me, with just the right pens, ready for just the right story to start off the process. one afternoon, grabbing the wrong pen, i slipped three pages into the binding and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote venting, frustrated conversation.

next day i wrote on a warm little dock, floating above clear water, in the sun and breeze. algae waved under the water. looking closer, a school shimmered faintly. in the corner of my eye, legs crept up from the hole around a post in the dock. i jumped. breathed. and wrote some more.

six months after, i found just the picture, gluing it to the page, i finally found my perfect opening.

it's a bummer that blogs don't have an opening page that one can skip over, to come back to later on with just the right beginning.

2.12.2007

2007-12-02T14:00:00.000-08:00

flying

One afternoon, the little boy I worked with was ecstatic to see a group of children flying a giant kite. His fingers moved a little more clumsily than the rest, so he and I set up a second kite. The whole process of flying was taking a bit too long, so he gripped the string a couple feet from the kite and ran... giggles, chuckles, chortles, shrieks... he was flying in those flipping floating flopsing colorful tails

18.11.2007

2007-11-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

about the title

one of my favourite children's books is George MacDonald's "At the Back of the North Wind". (Still working on the editing modes here.) little daylight is a fairytale within the story. let's see if i can figure out links... nope, not yet. so... if you're interested, look up chapter 28 for this book online. one option: http://www.classicreader.com/read.php/sid./bookid.872/sec.28/

18.11.2007

2007-11-18T17:17:00.000-08:00

beginnings are intimidating...

let's try this

...'There are two worlds,' said Baklu, 'ours is a world of respect and mystery and magic. Their world brings everything into the daylight, even the things that weren't meant to be."...
.Ferdinand Oyono. Houseboy.