.little daylight.

We were told several weeks ago in the school that the greatest gift we could bring of transformation to any community is our life transformed. From this, people will be able to see a clearer picture of how God longs to transform their lives... ...this process of transformation is harder than I could expect. so so worth it, but i have to cling to his promises, that this time of transformation of our hearts is as he desires, to be able to hear him more deeply, be in his presence more completely, teaching us to love him more wholly...

Honestly, it's funny how tightly we cling to our understandings of the world. Even when confronted with truth in the Bible, even if we agree with the idea of the truth, it's hard to let go of the lies i fill my heart with! "But God!" we say "that wasn't how i experienced it at the time!" I keep saying "God, this is the reality I lived, and what you have to say says that it's different!" What I've been learning is so much that the actual enemy that hates our souls & hates every way of our being close to God will take any opportunity to lie to us. Sweet, seductive lies that feel phenomenal! and sound so close to the truth that we can't figure it out on our own.

God's been dealing with alot of lies I've allowed in unintentionally, even when I think I believe the truth! On one level I know & believe the truth, and yet deeper in my heart, my self clings tightly to the lie, holding on for all it's worth, though it's poisoning my heart... And God is so kind to me, telling me over and over again "honey, you cannot fix this issue. you must spend time with me and I will destroy the lie that is strangling you! I want to heal you!" This has been the toughest thing for me, to believe that God wants to heal my broken, smelly heart... I keep believing the lie "God has already done so much for you, and you still are a failure, how embarassing for you! You must feel so ashamed!"

I hear the truth, and I think "ok, all I have to do is say I believe this truth, and that will take care of my broken way of living." And then I explode. Again, and again. And when i don't explode, I implode. And I think "God, I'm spending so much time with you, I'm trying so hard, why is it still not working?!!" And so much of the time he says "shh. shh. tranquila. in the right time. keep staying with me. let me teach you in so many ways that I love you."

So praise you God. You keep bringing me to places where I have to face myself...